hmmmmm poo
Well i will start by saying this. I am having the best time of my life. THis experience is just phenomenal i have never been happier. But i do love and miss all my friends from back home! But anyway enough gay faggot talk lets fill get to business and fill you all in with whats been happening in America land of the plebs. Well im not dead which is a good start. but lets start with a funny night two Tuesdays ago. I was hungover as fuck...yes from Monday night. Was drinking with all the longboarding guys Luke has a tradition of drinking every Monday and I didn’t see why I shouldn’t join him. Yes I have been doing excessive amounts of drinking and smoking but all is well in Marika body land. Well nothing has broken down yet. But Tuesday night I was in bed at around 8pm ready for an early night of sleep and ricky ponting sex dreams fucking NEK MINUTE the girls are nagging me to find a party for them apparently i got the hook ups (whateva dat mean) and know everyone even though they been here longer than me!?! I was like fuckkk OFF ima sleepin bitches. But i felt bad for the underages so i called a few of ma homies (yes ma homies) and we went to the boys place (Kev, Jon and Adam) good friends of mine who like to drink as much as me. Respect! we call their place farmhouse. I round up a few more drunken American stragglers (Steve, Clark and german John god damn is he unbearably funny). And we got ourselves a little party going. Where chilling at farmhouse drinking and smoking the hooker (actually spelt Hookah) which I found out... isn’t a prostitute. This entire semester every time someone’s said hooker I thought they were referring to a prostitute. But really they meant a shisha. I was just letting people be i wasn’t judging anybody or asking any questions when they would rave on about it. “Yo lets go get on that Hooker, Yeh man im down to fuck that hooker up, ima smoke the shit out of that hooker” But now I understand. Which is nice because for a while there i thought everyone was fucking prossies....all the time!
Anyway where all drinking then someone pulls out the weed. Now where all in trouble. Crazy Joe starts talking about how he has fucked a midget and on the other side of the room the Dutch girls are talking about the “purple light district” in Holland where you can legally fuck animals. And when these two conversations meet it starts the funniest conversation I have ever heard in my entire life. I don’t even know how to explain it. Just imagine the most epic convo of your life 11 people just screaming at each other. “No way! You cant fuck animals and babies! Yeh you can! WE always send the tourists to the purple light district for shits and giggles. You can fuck everything horses, pigs, midgets, goats! You can fuck goats!?! Bullshit! No way! Fuck off Not a single person would ever fuck a goat! THEN HOW WERE YOU BORN JOE!” by this stage there is so much noise, everyone is high as fucking shit. I couldn’t even handle it. I was in the middle of the circle in the fetal position crying from laugher. I couldn’t take it I was literally screaming! well trying to scream it probably sounded more like a choking duck who is fucked up on its own shit “STOP! Please for the love of god stop i cant take this conversation anymoreshahahadfashd! Im going to die from laughing PLEASE!” I was actually chocking and couldn’t breathe. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. But im sure anyone who has been high as shit talking absolute crazy rubbish with their friends understand.....or doesn’t. Whatever! After the convo finally dies down and I can thankfully breathe again me and the Dutch girls have a fight (that was not cool!) we left farmhouse in a puff and stumbled home to our bat caves. I woke up in the morning and realise I left my phone at farmhouse so i skate straight over there no worries easy peasy. WRONG! I get there and Kevs all like “Oh yeh it was sitting on the floor?” Yehhhh it was. “Yeh Crazy Joe has it” WTFFFFF why?! Said he was gunna return it. Ok so Joes got my phone thats annoying but i just gotta get a hold of him. Finally get a hold of him on the bookface around 1 in the pm. “Yo Joe ya midget fucking retard where the f is ma phone i need that shit boys be txting me You have it right!” his reply J: I did. I tried to return it and the RAs (resident assistants) had me arrested” M: Uhhhhh what?!? What the fuck happened?!” J: The cops have it because they thought i was stealing it. Which makes perfect sense because i was trying to return it. M: What the fuck how do i get it off them? J: Oh you have to call this number. M: with what>?!?! So i had to hunt down a phone and call them and this is what the police officer said O: Yes we have a phone here M: oh great well ill just come and get it. O: Oh no the Sergeant is looking over the case now, he will call you back once hes looked at all the evidence. M: evidence?!? of what?! Im sorry but this shouldn’t be a difficult process. Anyway I finally got to go pick up my phone at 4pm but it wasn’t over then. I get out of dance class at 8pm Wednesday and I have all these messages and missed calls from my roommate “You have to see the GA (General assistant) immediately!” i get into my hall and my GA is there and shes like we have to go to the police station. NOW! It was so fucked we were in there for an hour. I had to write a full report about what happened. The‘sergeant’ wipped out his iphone and goes. “Is this the guy that had your phone” and shows me a hilarious picture of crazy Joe with his thumbs up on his iphone! I just started laughing I was like yes thats my friend...sorta ha. He was for some reason trying to be a nice guy and return my phone when in fact was worsening the situation. Then the sergents phone starts ringing i shit you not his ring tone was “bad boys bad boys what ya gunna do what ya gunna do when i come for you” i tried not to lose my shit. “Oh yep. Im just getting to the bottom of the case now” FORREAL! These cops have nothing better to do then this! I was fucking off it! go fight some real crime ya fuckheads this isn’t an investigation your not the fucking FBI. THIS IS NOT FUCKING CSI MIAMI! And your not fighting murderess and solving mysteries your the fucking Millersville University police ACT LIKE IT! But forreal they take their jobs pretty serious. This has been my second run in with them after the skateboarding incident. I do not like them and if I had more time on my hands I would take them down myself!
So the Friday after that episode me and the girls head into the city and hUng out with Ben for a bit. His place is nice! Him and his roomie were just jamming on their g tars. Ben asks me if i want to come to Philly with him to watch one of the bands hes in practice. This is at like 6 in the pm and i was supposed to be meeting friends at a bar at 7. “Sure why not!” We drive an hour to philly drinking beer and eating sushi listening to all the bands hes toured with in AMerica and Europe. So Jealous! This band hes in is like crazy heavy metal which i don’t usually like but they rocked. Such good musicians the fat drummer looked like he was gunna puke everywhere by the end of it. We all got really drunk and a little high before during and after their practice. Bear drove all the boys home I must have been fucked cause i don’t even remember that car ride. Me Ben and his best friend Bear went and got omelettes at a diner at 4 in the am. Such a good night! Ben drove him and I home at like 5.30am I get woken up to Ben going umm your friends are here to pick you up FML this is at 9.30am my friends came and got me and took me BACK to Philly to go shopping! I did not want to go shopping I would of preferred to sleep naked in the street. Had barely slept. Still wearing what I had been the day before smelt like absolute shit looked even worse than shit. Our friend Gabe drove and I actually thought i was going to die. Little did everyone know i was about one swerve away to vomiting on everyone. He was literally the worst driver in the world. Like he ran into our friends car in front of him when we got to Philly. We waited 2 hours to eat at The Cheesecake Factor. Overated much! My salmon tasted like penis (not nice) Didnt get home till 10.30pm that night. Fuckkk. Oh and Americans don’t say keen or sunnies, unco, maccas, uni or arvo. I came to the conclusion us Aussies are lazy and shorten everything. Oh and they don’t say heaps! They say ‘a lotta’ And my friend Paul points it out every time i say it. Everyones stealing ma lingo though.
The following weekend we were off to DC again. We had bought tickets to a DC trip for $10 that was organised by the school. They drive you out there on a big bus and you just get to walk around the city all day then go out to dinner then come home. Well turns out. It wasn’t run by the school it was put on by the black student union! And it wasn’t a free for all day...at all LOL. It was quite the opposite. We spent the entire day in African American museums learning about black history. A bus filled with African Americans plus 6 little whities who didn’t know what they were in for. Fuck it was funny. We got all cultured and shit. No one else was really mingling other than me. Met some of the funniest peeps on that trip. On the way back we had dinner at this massive seafood buffet holy smokes it was amazing! But there was a bar and me and like 7 of my new black friends just sat at the bar the whole time drinking. I started off on the beers, then the guys got me onto the long islands then nek minute i was shouting everyone tequila shots. We were all hammered when we got back on the bus. Was the rowdiest bus ride ever. I was in the aisle cutting shapes everyone was loving it....i think. Well i didn’t get my ass kicked so i assumed people were loving it. I was still hammered when i got off the bus and we went to my friends party to watch Native Maze a local Millersville band play in the basement again. Was so fucking packed everyone had a killer time. Oh and that dude was there again! Wearing the exact same thing as last time. That fucking fluro coloured beanie and shirt. Oh and i stacked it down the stairs pretty bad. Oh and i was dubbed ‘the liquor’ which im still trying to work out whether its good or bad. I think its just means “your a write off’ and you wear it around your neck.
Last night me farmhouse and co went to hopi for chocolate cherry beer on tap OMG best tasting beer in the world i actually crave it. Then to Jacks for more liquor. I forgot my card and was mooching but i felt so bad so i said i would give someone $20 to walk back to my dorm and get it. And they jumped up like crazy “Omg will you really give us $20!” Apparently 20 bucks is a lot here...well to these uni plebs. I was like yeh of course. I had already said i would shout everyone a drink. I couldn’t believe how bonkers they were going over 20 bucks. I was like alright plebos! And when they came back I bought everyone a drink. And tried to give them the 20 bucks and they couldn’t even accept it!! I was like wtf its nothing their like naa we cant take it. Dudes! But I seriously have the greatest friends here, im going to Mexico tomorrow! And i hope your all as happy as me
You know im coming back with crazy stories from Mexico! Thats if I come back alive.
Oh and FYI the purple light district does not exist.
No comments:
Post a Comment